“My apartment had always felt sacred to me, cleansed with sage, and my sanctuary of safety, it accepted me, it mirrored me, and whenever the world knocked me down, I knew it greeted me with a big hug. I guarded the door of that place not letting just anyone in. So, handing my sublet my keys to my fully furnished apartment knowing she would be treating it like her own for the next 6 months felt super personal to me…But I did it.
The former months had been in a word, tumultuous. I felt loss to myself. I’d been out of work and felt directionless and almost relentlessly I looked for answers outside myself, in the opinion and experiences of others. I was looking for something that I couldn’t seem to find. I desperately needed/wanted community and support but was experiencing mine dissipate. I felt lost and afraid, surrounded by people socially but all alone intimately.
Feeling unsure of myself, and having a heightened fear of making a “wrong” life decision that would “ruin” my otherwise “right” life decision, life. I knew that something had to change. I had savings, and I could hear a tiny voice inside of me say pack your bags and go. I’d always wanted to take a gap year and just travel. I just never knew how or when I’d actually get the opportunity…the opportunity to throw care and responsibility to the wind and get lost in the world.
Initially I was uber afraid of: 1) traveling SOLO 2) Of buying a one way ticket with no elaborate plan 3) what to do with the life I’d be leaving for the next 6 months. But something felt alive in me and for the first time in months I was feeling a real surge of life and energy! So I just did it. I didn’t ask anyone’s thoughts or opinions. I bought the ticket, I sublet my apartment, and I left the future to the future. I let my family know my decision and I was out!
The first few weeks were rocky. I was happy about the adventure but still hadn’t fully embraced the freedom of the road. It wasn’t until I was walking the streets of Istanbul, Turkey having just left Ethiopia, and Egypt, did I realize how being solo allowed me to hear my own voice and my own thoughts. It was the simple decisions like what I wanted for lunch to the big stuff of how long I’d stay in a certain place and where I’d stay. I had to just trust myself. I didn’t consult a guide book and instead just met and talked with people traveling my same way and went from there….
I jumped off cliffs in Greece, shopped in the Middle East and joyfully bicycled across an island in Asia. This was the first thing that I ever did that pushed me waaaayyy outside my comfort zone, costing me everything but bringing me the greatest clarity, and restored confidence in myself that still leads me today. I just felt and feel like if I could do this, there wouldn’t be much else I couldn’t do following my inner voice and trusting that I knew what was best for my life…”
065/100 of #100DaysofConfessions Instagram Project